Upon receiving the next book chosen for www.fromlefttowrite.com, I
was pleased to see it was a memoir about being a widow. Of course, having been
a widow, I assumed my post inspired by this book would be about widowhood. Not
so. Becky Aikman's memoir is as much about female friendships as about
widowhood. At one point I considered naming my memoir, Girlfriends Get You Through Life—not
a great title but a Truth for me. I have constructed my personal group
of girlfriends whose friendships consisted of strong building materials
that withstand the tsunamis and hurricanes of life.
We named
ourselves Kindred Spirits. Even as their pastor, I expected little beyond
meeting once a month, studying spiritual material and sharing thoughts about
our faith experiences. Oh, ye, of low expectations. In the following thirteen
years, we fed each other’s souls and met routinely. We didn’t need to know of
well-recognized research on conversation with sisters making for a happier life
and we didn’t need for the sisters to be biological. We lived it out.
From the beginning we combined
intense spiritual work and serious fun. One of our first outings together, we
dressed up—it is an understatement to say there isn’t one unattractive woman in
this group—and headed to Keeneland Race Track in Lexington, KY, for a day of
racing. Seated in a box, we were having great fun when one of the guys in the
box next to us couldn’t resist asking, “What kind of group are you all?”
Mary replied, “We are a spiritual
life group from our church.”
His eyes grew wider, and just as I
pulled my shoulders back to take my jacket off (Let’s just say I am amply
endowed.), Mary responded, “And this is our pastor.”
He couldn’t get the question out of
his mouth fast enough, “What kind of church is that?”
Rosemary being the comic and wit in
our midst didn’t miss a beat in replying “The Church of What’s Happenin’ Now.”
We collapsed in laughter.
Three biological sisters, Rhonda,
Lisa and Martha, predisposed the circle toward blood-like commitment. Rosemary,
a Maryland transplant, sought a local
substitute for her own remote family. And Mary’s years of broken relationships
steeled her determination to “keep it real.”
We hailed from four different
decades, thirties to sixties. Age mattered not. Perhaps, we would not have
chosen each other as friends had we met under other circumstances. Life tossed
out experiences that could have bonded us to each other or driven us apart.
Four graduations, six marriages, two babies, one divorce, one separation and
more deaths than any small band should have had to bear. We’ve talked through
romantic relationship breakups too numerous to count and tended each other
through more surgeries than we care to admit—the flotsam and jetsam of six
lives over thirteen years inextricably wove us together. Our raucous laughter
caused on-lookers to ask, “What can possibly be that funny?” Perhaps they
missed Rosemary’s suggestion we raise money for the church by doing a calendar
of me, their pastor, draped over her husband’s antique Corvette. Rose, alone
could have kept us laughing the past thirteen years. Tears and sorrows necessitated
communal distribution; their weight too much to be borne alone.
When we first formed, Mary, a
many-years-sober alcoholic, red headed, tri-athlete influenced us to select for
our first study material, The
Twelve Steps: A Spiritual Journey a
book modeled on AA’s Twelve Steps (RPI Publishing, Inc. 1988). This
nitty-gritty guide demanded we dig deep and share courageously every month when
we gathered. So we did. We started by telling our life stories with truth and
trust. I recommended this step for any group who decided to share a spiritual
voyage and hold themselves accountable to each other.
What has made these friendships
work? Trust, accountability and a fierce commitment of time. Teaching each
other to live authentically required all three and more.
“Have you opened that bank account
in your own name like you promised? Why not?”
“That’s not your problem; give it
back to your husband, it belongs to him.”
“What are you doing to care for
your health this month? Chocolate doesn’t count.”
“Are you pushing yourself too hard
at work? If so, why?”
“Is this guy you’re dating
enriching your life or an avoidance of something else?”
“Didn’t we commit to a full day of
retreat? Why are you saying you need to go back to work? Home? Shopping? Are
all calendars clear for the third full week in July next summer?”
Here’s a mini-list of what this
flock has given me: Mary has taught me every day how to deal with alcoholics in
my past, present and future. Rhonda has modeled a stunning example of
steadfastness and introversion, absent in my own life. Lisa has shared her love
of style and even shopped for the shoes to match the yellow silk suit I wore to
my son’s funeral. Rosemary physically held me upright the day I resigned as
their pastor after my son’s death. And Martha introduced me to my soul-mate and
husband, John.
These women have been kind enough
over the years to tell me what I have given to them. The list included the
ridiculous and the sublime. Rhonda pointed out I taught her and her sisters not
to wear horizontal stripes because they are blessed with broad shoulders. She
also maintained I gave her permission to question all things sacred so as to
deepen her spirituality. Passing along what we as pastors learn in life is as
important as passing along what we learn in seminary. These Kindred Spirits
confirmed this concept for me.
Martha, the youngest of our group,
has shared in these thirteen years her graduation from college, marriage and
birth of her children. She has grown from a college girl into a multi-tasking
business professional, wife and mother. She shared with me at one point “You
are a mentor and guide for all areas of my life. Period. You model living
freely as your true self, with no apologies, unlike any person I have ever met.
You nurture my spiritual life and build my self-esteem as a strong, independent
woman. You offer unconditional love and compassion in the twinkle of your eye
and with reassurance as if you are mother of all women.”
Rosemary, the artist among us,
reminded me I gave her a book about using the visual arts in worship which
freed her to worship in a way that reached her soul as nothing else had. She
delighted in reminding me I gave her permission to be an imperfect Christian
and not beat up on herself about sin. Her sleepless nights as a teen and young
adult were spent worrying she would burn in hell for sins she has since learned
have nothing to do with God’s love for her and are probably not worthy of the
word sin.
The Kindred Spirits taught me to
accept my role as leader even when not leading. I experienced in this group the
difference between being wise and being right. I told my biological sisters
what to do and assumed I was right. In ministry, I learned I could have all the
answers for others but a wise leader allows them to come to their own truths on
their own time.
Girlfriends in community give and
receive. As I struggled in relationships with my biological sisters, these
women helped me see I was a leader and could lead without imposing my will on
others. I could be wrong and still share wisdom. The diversity in this group
reminded me of the richness which comes from being friends with people who have
walked very different journeys—economically, socially, educationally. Two of
us have Master degrees, one has a high school education. Our salaries in range
from minimum wage to six figures annually. Our differences which became our strength
taught me to be myself and I would not feel isolated or responsible, I would
just be me.
I give thanks for the difference
all girlfriends have made in my life. I know this much is true—when I die, my
list of honorary pallbearers will be the girlfriends who have carried me in
life. In addition to the Kindred Spirits, there will be Linda, Rachel, Wendy,
Vonda, Boog and Laura.
