This post is inspired by mystery thriller GONE GIRL by Gillian Flynn. They may not have the perfect marriage, but after Amy goes missing, Nick becomes the number one suspect. Can he discover what happened before it's too late? Join From Left to Write on June 12 as we discuss Gone Girl. As a member, I received a copy of the book not for review purposes but rather for blogging inspiration.
“Why
do people get married?”
“Passion!???”
“No, because we need a witness to our lives. There are a billion people on the planet, what does one life really mean? But in a marriage you’re promising to care about everything, the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all the time. Every day, you are saying your life will not go unnoticed, because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness.”
“Passion!???”
“No, because we need a witness to our lives. There are a billion people on the planet, what does one life really mean? But in a marriage you’re promising to care about everything, the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all the time. Every day, you are saying your life will not go unnoticed, because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness.”
Masayuki
Suo (from the movie Shall We Dance)
With the chaos of my childhood behind me (or so I thought), I assumed creation of my own family would
constitute the best part of adulthood.
Nothing prepared me for the reality that the formation of my own family would
be like a blind woman buying art. I doubt I am the first and quite sure I won’t
be the last person to come out of a dysfunctional family who thinks she will
form the perfect family and “do everything right.” In spite of failures and
everyday bumps along the road, I cherish marriage and parenthood as pieces of
life that helped me survive and thrive.
At first blush,
five marriages would indicate I failed at doing “everything right” and that I’m
not good at marriage. Au contraire.
Ok, Ok, I certainly didn’t do “everything right” as planned. But I have had two
great loves and two marriages that satisfied and fulfilled me--one of those
ongoing. Another two husbands who should have remained dear friends not
husbands. Now don’t let me off the hook of responsibility for my role in
constructing the less-than-desirable marriages just because I had no model for how
to craft a stable marriage. Marriage number three, a monumental disaster in
judgment also taught me valuable lessons. I discovered more about myself from
each marriage, perhaps lessons my parents should have taught me. I grasped more
about myself in the good marriages but I also digested a few morsels from the
bad. With time, therapy and additional self-understanding I have forgiven
myself for the mistakes. I now embrace the marriages as part of the journey to
find myself, know myself and esteem myself. Understanding as relates to men in
general did not come easily for me. I didn’t have what psychologists call a
“daddy hole,” the emotional lack of relationship with your father, I had a
Daddy Crater and I learned to fill that crater in unhealthy ways.
I think that's a great way to view your past. We can't change it, but can only use what we learned to guide our future.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kim. There's so much of my past that I've had to learn from! That's why I'm writing a memoir.
DeleteEvery experience is something we can learn from. It sounds like you're doing just that!
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by Neena. Yes, I have learned from most all experiences in my life.
DeleteI think your view is so great and positive. We can learn things from every experience, which can turn a "failure" into one of life's great lessons.
ReplyDeleteAnd I love that quote about having someone be a witness to your life.
I also think, Anna, that we might learn more from our mistakes than we do from our successes. But that's a hard one to measure.
DeleteI think we learn and grow from each relationship in our lives, good or bad. And hopefully, with each lesson, move forward. :>
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by, Karen. I continue to learn from every relationship in my life---both men, women and even children!
DeleteThank goodness we can look back on the past with humor and valuable insight... great post!
ReplyDeleteAmen to that!
Deletewow youre so brave in your honesty. i appreciate that.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Pam, it has taken me a long time to get to this point. But the actual writing of my memoir has produced a lot of healing.
DeleteThanks for that post, Brenda. Glad you found a great husband now! :-) I hear you about the relating to men issues...I lost my Dad at age 4 and never really got over it. It still affects me today and is something I have to work on in my own marriage (communication issues). Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteAmy, you are so right---marriage success is about communication, communication, communication!
DeleteThanks for sharing your insights, Brenda. I think those are wise words, and I think I agree with your statement that we learn much more from our failures than from our successes. I would say that I think that's true in my life. I've had some wonderful successes but when I've failed, I've really learned some valuable lessons that I carry with me now.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by. Yes, wisdom comes from experience and much of that experience is filled with mistakes as well as successes.
Delete